Inner Body Experience

No rhythm. Mornings could be afternoons. No rules. Cookie bars are viable breakfast options. There is a listlessness. I move between doing, cooking, baking at 10am, then baking some more. Sitting, not comfortably but not uncomfortably either. Restless. Out of body kind of. What is this feeling? It’s not boredom. It’s way more active. High level, low frequency anxiety that leaves me staring into opening spaces. Not fully present. I urge myself to come back to the moment. What am I seeing, smelling, hearing? I woke up at 6:30am and walked to a nearby park. I took my shoes off and walked on the cold grass. I had statistics and dark imagery looping in my head and I tried to bring myself to the sensation. You are walking on grass now. You are breathing in now. Early weekend mornings are nice because the streets are empty. It’s all surreal. I don’t know what day I’ll stop saying this is surreal. It just doesn’t feel like anything else. I prepare the house like it’s halloween on the first day of spring at Christmastime. Ornaments are being hung on door handles, flowery tablecloths make their way outside. Pumpkin bread is what’s for lunch. I feel disconnected from myself. Outside of myself. Dazed. Unfocused. Dreamlike with nightmare elements. The baking helps, keeping my hands busy but when it’s over I feel motionless. How strange. Tightness in my chest hasn’t gone away and I know it’s the anxiety. But still.