Covered in Mist

I feel this overwhelming urge. If this was a few years ago it would probably be an urge to take a shot or make out with someone new. Right now it’s manifesting as a desire to eat as many baked jam bars as possible. It’s a desire for an act of self destruction or maybe it’s just a demand for a release or a feeling of some kind. I’ve avoided writing in this for a few days but I don’t want to forget what I experienced and felt throughout this pandemic. I have left the manic stage of busyness and I’ve entered a slower phase. An “it’s okay if I don’t work out today” moment. But it quickly delineates into whatever this feeling is. Desire for drama? For something electrical? It’s more aggressive than boredom. I’ve been belting out a lot of show tunes lately and making myself go on mandatory walks around the block. I inhale coffee while staying horizontal most of the day. Jacked up and laying down. A wonderful condition to support a healthy state of mind. We will probably be home until summer. Nick and I went to the beach early this am. It was covered in mist. It was so nice to smell the ocean and put my feet in the sand. We bought groceries from a small, expensive and half empty store. Cinnamon, coconut milk, bananas, sourdough bread, black pepper shaker. It’s a luxury to bring home new things. I feel very grateful today. My nephews 6th birthday is today. He was so happy with his train cake.