Something’s Happening Here

There is a discomfort in this process. Daily discomfort. But it’s illusive because it’s hidden between work calls, cooked meals and afternoon naps. The surroundings all seem normal. Home. Fresh food. Rest. Work. But there is a great inner shift that’s taking place. And how could it not? Images of the SS Comfort arriving in New York’s harbor, the dark cloud of 240,000 projected deaths. The constant updates: now the virus can travel up to 27 feet. Now it can hide under your fingernails. Everything feels like a threat. I’ve been moving my body and finding so much grief and rage and sadness in there. All being built and stored with every news update and short breath. I felt this kind of inconsolable chill on my neck and head last night. It was so strange. Like I was freezing from the inside. Time is shifting. I move from spending hours updating software on my computer, to cleaning a pan, to zoom calls, it’s all blending. Like the longest stretch of thunderstorm activities. I was reading about how chaos comes from order and order from chaos. In the midst of this chaos, each of us, with our schedules disrupted, are naturally rebuilding new structures. It’s our nature. All the parts are moving and rearranging. What will we come up with to sustain ourselves? All we have is now. No time spent planning, no ability to think of the future. I feel like Ram Dass is behind this in some great effort to force us to presence. My body is resisting it greatly. I flit from thing to thing. Mini project to micro cleaning to making the bed. I wear bizarre outfits, I caught sight of myself in the mirror and I looked somewhat crazed. But I also didn’t mind at all. Another interesting side effect to all this- surrendering physical appearance. Hair, nails, eyelashes, outfits. All non starters now. This is truly a revolution. And all these comforts of home are strangely simultaneously sources of discomfort. The familiar circles I walk in at home. Bed, to couch to bathroom to deck to kitchen to bathroom. Nick and I are like zombies with occasional grounding hugs and eye contact. It might not always feel good but for some reason I’m optimistic about the direction we are all shifting towards. Also a butterfly popped on my arm today. That can’t be a bad thing.