Cracked Open

Today I go between optimism and fear. I cry at the drop of a post. It’s taking extra effort to not let the fear seep into my relationship. Wraps with almond butter seem to be solving many problems. But there are only so many wraps. And thank the heavens for the IG live dance classes which help me feel through movement. I just had a reassuring call with an old friend. Sure this will get worse before it gets better. But it will get better. I think about all the people saying that this is a turning point for society and that there are many beautiful lessons and changes that will come from this. I feel that. I agree with that.

But then I think of the families who have someone in the ICU and how they would feel about that belief. How convenient that belief is when you are safe in your home. My heart is cracked open for them. I can’t stop thinking about my dad in the ICU. What intubation looks and feels like. I have to stop. Stop this thinking, it’s not helpful. I am safe now in this instant. Safe. I can be broken open, I can believe that the world is shifting towards consciousness. I can believe in the awakening without feeling like I’m dishonoring anyone struggle or pain. In fact this belief encompasses that pain. I know that pain. Every human being does. Even if we haven’t experienced loss first hand, we all know suffering, it’s in our bones. For now I will stay okay with being open.