I Don’t Wanna

I don’t want to write today. I don’t want to be optimistic or have perspective. They say that this is exactly the time to write. When we are caught in an emotion. When we want to avoid. I skip from fear to fear. Fear of losing work, home, life. It’s exhausting. I know it’s symptomatic of being isolated but it’s a terribly insecure feeling and I want to avoid it. Every day I feel like I chip away at an endless to-do list. I am half doing things constantly. Half lighting a candle, half cleaning, half on a call, half writing an idea, half writing a grocery list, half remembering I need to shower and get air and when will I work out again and did I blog today and we need more bread. These are the moments I need to slow. Slow slow slow. One thing at a time. Breathe. Even if I did nothing, it would be enough. Even if I do nothing, it will be enough. This is my mantra, how I calm myself. I take on too much. I spin. And then I can’t relax until it is all done. But there is always more. If I always rush to get it done and there is always more, than what is life? A bunch of rushing ? Then I think, yes but there is an ending, you just have to get to it. Just a, b, c then x and y. STOP. Inhale. Good. Now exhale. My head hurts, I have to remember that this is not business as usual. This is pandemic as abnormal. I have to be careful to take less on. To breathe more. To read. To stop thinking of scripts and ideas and solutions to our problems. I need to care for myself and let the ideas and perspective come. It’s okay to not want to do it. I will do what works for me and leave the rest today.